Excerpt: All or Nothing by Delorse A. Brown
Chapter 1
To some, growing up in a small city may not seem very exciting. However, once I have given you the story of my heart-rending life, I think that will all change. As a young, black teen-aged girl, I lost my parents to tragedy and watched my sister’s slow demise to drugs. Life definitely threw me a curve ball. Just when I had it all together, the shit fell apart and it was too damn late to put it back together.
I am Loni Maze. I was thirteen years old at the time of my parents’ untimely death. My big sister, Lou, was seventeen. I guess you could say that life was good until that terribly, fatal night—a night that changed our lives beyond our wildest dreams.
Our parents were overly protective and tried to raise us to be decent, respectable young women. They grilled us all the time about not letting the punk ass, so called gangbangin’ boys blow our minds with that street shit, only to get in our panties.
We had the type of folks that were very strict and took no bull from Lou or myself. That being said, all we were allowed to do was sit on the porch and watch our friends hang out in the streets, like hood rats and hoodlums. Daddy made sure we stayed safe from the drama that went on in and around our neighborhood.
Now during the weekdays, our parents worked like field slaves. After work, they came home, fixed our dinner and made sure we were straight for school the next day. However, the weekend was a different story, partying as they did every New Year’s Eve.
The neighborhood we lived in was once nice until about three years ago. Our parents felt that it had reached a point where girls our age did not belong around here, in the midst of the lurking dangers that attracted young people. Therefore, they started saving up to get us, not only out the hood, but out the city as well.
We lived in a city called Bellville, located in the suburbs of Wisconsin, with a population of at least thirty-five thousand. So, to big city slickers, Bellville was small, but trouble jumped off, as it does anywhere else.
In our ‘hood there was drug dealing, gangbanging, drug addicts and, believe it or not, a little prostitution. If you did not have a decent upbringing, you could easily get caught up in the drama of it all. For those with dreams to fulfill, it was best to get the hell out of Bellville before getting caught up in the downfall of the streets and it was too late to turn back!
Remind you now, as I said, our folks loved to party on the weekends. So come Friday night they would do their thing, partying the entire damn weekend, sitting at the house, listening to their old school music, drinking and talking shit until they were buzzed and ready to hit the local bars.
It was on a Friday night, January 25, 1993. A night my mind will never allow me to forget, no matter how much time passed. As usual, Mama and Daddy came home from work and got their drink on. By nightfall, they were ready to hit the bar. Mama kissed us goodnight and sent us on our way to a friend’s house to spend the night and sadly, that was the last time we saw our parents alive. It was a moment I often want to capture and store in a time capsule.
I cannot be sure of what exactly happened that night, but from what the firefighters told us, it was evident that one of them must have been frying something on the stove, forgot about the skillet of food, and dozed off into a drunken slumber. The popping grease must have caused the eye on the stove to catch fire, and the entire house burned down with them inside.
After Mama and Daddy died, my sister and I inherited our parents’ insurance money. With Lou about to turn eighteen in a few months, the courts saw no need to put us in foster care. Therefore, when those checks came in, Lou did the right thing and purchased us a small home. She did everything possible to make our every day living as comfortable as she could.
The first few months went well, until Lou’s birthday came around, and she decided to kick it with some friends. I did not have a problem with it because I knew that Lou was responsible and she would never do anything that would destroy us or jeopardize our stability. Boy did she ever prove me wrong! That was the night our lives changed, the beginning of the end to a once happily ever after. Nothing in my darkest nightmares prepared me for the turn our lives were about to take.
Lou’s birthday party was on a Friday night and the guest of honor was in her bedroom getting dressed. She yelled out for me so I hurried to see what she needed, being that I idolized my sister.
“Loni, I need you to zip me up in the back.” I did as she asked. Then we both stood there in the bathroom mirror, admiring her beauty. Lou was very pretty with skin as smooth as the peel of an apple, and a complexion rich and deep like coffee beans. Her face had the fullness of a stuffed teddy bear, and her eyes were the color and shape of two black round buttons. I thought the cutest part of Lou’s face were her perfectly even, thin lips that covered her pearly white teeth.
She resembled Mama a lot, which was probably one of the reasons I loved and respected her so much. Only difference between Mama and Lou was their skin complexion. Mama’s skin was the color of peanut brittle candy.
I, on the other hand, favored Daddy. We shared the color more of a camel, with baby smooth skin. Our eyes were dark like bitter chocolate, and we both had full lips that stuck out as if we were pouting. Most of all I adored our noses that reminded me of cute little rabbit noses.
“Lou you look good girl!” I spoke in near astonishment. “Mama would be so proud of you right now.”
“Yeah, they both would be proud of both of us,” Lou responded with a sad expression on her face. I was sure she was thinking how everyone said that she and Mama could pass for twins. I had those same thoughts and looking at Lou made me realize how much I missed Mama. I could remember those Friday nights when Mama got herself ready to go out. Smiling, I would stand by her side, admiring her, as she would curl her long, jet black, silky hair. Then afterwards she would take her time perfectly applying her makeup, careful not to overdo it. In my eyes, she was the most perfectly beautiful woman in the whole world.
My thoughts of Mama were interrupted by Lou’s soft voice. “Well it’s about time for me to get out of here, Loni. The party awaits and besides it’s time for me to become a woman.”
At that time, I had no idea what she meant by becoming a woman. However, by the end of that night, I found out exactly what she meant and perhaps a little bit more.
It was late in the night, and I was upstairs in my bedroom asleep. The sound of loud music, talking and laughter aroused me out my peaceful slumber. Smelling the strong aroma of burning incense and alcohol stinking up our home, out of curiosity, I decided to see what was going on. Quietly, I tiptoed down the stairs and sat on the bottom step, without Lou or her guest noticing me.
Lou was sitting in the lap of some dude, kissing and licking all over his neck as if she were doing a shoot for some love scene in a movie. I noticed his hand easing its way under her dress, sliding like an earthworm. Then to my surprise, he eased her leopard print panties from her firm, well-put-together hips. I expected her to protest but my sister kept right on planting kisses on her lover.
Once her panties were tossed to the side, again he slid his hands under her dress. I noticed a particular type of action going on, one that I could not quite explain at that time. Lou let out a loud screeching sound before he said to her, “Be still, baby, and take a deep breath. I have to make sure you’re somewhat loose first, before I taste the goods.”
After calming Lou down, he told her to lie down on the floor but obviously, she was not ready to make that move. She told him she needed a little more to drink before continuing.
“I got something better than alcohol, baby. Try this.” He waved her over to the sofa while he kneeled over the coffee table.
Giggling, Lou walked unsteadily over to him. Judging by her wobbly walk and slurred speech, she was obviously overcome by the assumption of alcohol. Her ass was drunk! He pointed for her to sit on the sofa behind the table, and she positioned herself right behind him. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a white packet of some sort. Next, he dumped the contents on the table. I had never actually seen it before, but I did know that the white substance was cocaine.
“Now watch me as I do this,” he instructed, pressing one finger against one nostril and holding his head down over the shit. Like a vacuum cleaner, he inhaled deeply and sniffed. As Lou watched closely, she crawled down from her sofa and kneeled next to her dude. She mimicked his actions. Once the powder was gone, Lou and her friend began laughing, singing, and dancing, as Stevie Wonder’s oldie, You Are the Sunshine of My Life, filled the room with rhythm.
When the song finished playing, Lou went over to the stereo and put on a cassette tape of various slow songs that she and I had recorded one night when we were sitting up late reminiscing, as we often did. We had so many memories of our parents.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yes,” my sister answered in an infirm tone, her eyes as glazed as Krispy Crème doughnuts.
He took her by the hand and pulled her close to him, dismissing her dress from her body in one swift movement. I noticed how he stood for a few seconds admiring her mere, precious body. He rubbed her erect nipples that I could easily see standing at attention. I heard my sister release a sound that lessened any tension that she might have held prior to her coke and a smile.
“Okay, Lou,” he whispered, “now lay on the floor.”
My sister did as he asked and while doing so her friend started to undress as well before joining her on the floor.
With my eyes stretched wide and my mouth even wider, I stared at his body. Not once had I seen a real penis before. Well, not in the thick, hard, round flesh. I had seen my share in the nasty books that Mama had hidden in their bedroom closet. I used to sneak and look at them when no one was around, but seeing a live one was a totally different experience.
The brother with the mesmerizing penis climbed on top of Lou using his physical powers to guide himself inside her. Still in awe of what I was witnessing, I watched as he wiggled around with an irritated look on his face, as if he was constipated, with Lou beneath him squirming around like the legs of a centipede once it was stepped on. Lou made eerie noises, like maybe she was in pain. I crossed one leg over the other, almost feeling her discomfort. Finally, after trying for five minutes or so he stopped and did something else that took me by total surprise.
He rose up, took my sister by both her legs, spread them apart, and put his head in between the meeting of her thighs. At that point, he stuck out his tongue, licked her pussy slowly, up, and down like a Popsicle on a hot summer day. I noticed the stickiness of her honey glistening on his face. His tongue stroked the outer realm of his mouth, licking every bit.
While I watched my sister’s transformation into womanhood, I felt a weird feeling in my pussy as well, a tingling warm sensation. Then my panties absorbed the heated fluid that escaped from my pulsating vagina. I did not know what the hell was happening but I liked that feeling.
Lou screeched a shrill of pleasure just before her friend climbed back on top of her. Within a few more times of trying to penetrate her, he was finally welcomed into her tight space, taking with him into their journey, her virginity.
Having become a visitor in her valley, nothing but tranquility rested upon his face. His strokes were like the waves in a river, swaying and floating, then in and out. I could tell by their facial expressions and deep-throated moans that it was good to them. Lou’s moans grew stronger and her breathing heavier. His strokes were no longer smooth and slow, they increased with rapid strength. His breathing intensified and the harder he pumped her perspiration took its place, glistening all over his firm, muscular body.
Without warning, he started to shake as if he was having convulsions. My eyes bucked, almost popping out of my head, as he let out a loud roar. It startled me at first because I thought dude was having a heart attack. Finally, I noticed the smile planted on his face as he lay on top of Lou panting as if he had not one ounce of breath left. He was not in pain after all; he smiled as if he was standing on the other side of the pearly gates.
After witnessing such an unexplainable experience, I returned to my room, climbed in bed and thought about the vivid scene I had witnessed. I prayed that it would not make a change in our lives because with our parents gone, Lou was all I had. Within minutes, I dozed off to sleep trying not to worry about the future.
I was still asleep when I heard Lou’s voice call out to me from downstairs. “Loni, get up and come to breakfast!” she yelled from the kitchen.
“Okay!” I screamed back, rubbing sleep out of my weary eyes. Looking at my clock, I noticed it was ten o’clock in the morning. Saturday was my favorite day of the week so I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom smiling, thinking about how I would plan my day. After I showered, I joined Lou for breakfast.
“Good morning, sweetie!”
“Good mornin’ to you too, Lou,” I said to her coyly, with thoughts of the previous night still fresh in my psyche.
“What’s your problem? Didn’t sleep too good or something, lil’ sis?” She had the biggest smile on her face and obviously no clue that I knew why she was grinning like a prized pig.
“No, big sis, but I’m sure you did.” My response dripped of sarcasm.
Lou’s smile faded as she slightly tilted her head. “What the hell did you mean by that, Loni?”
“I don’t know, Lou. You’re the woman. You figure it out.” With that, I finished my breakfast and went back upstairs to get dressed. It was nearly noontime when I emerged from my bedroom, looking fly in jeans that hugged my developing hips. The phone rang so I scurried down the stairs, taking two at a time, to answer it.
It was Helen. “Hi, Helen, this is Loni.”
Helen was my best friend and another reason why I looked forward to my Saturdays. We normally did the things teenagers were known to do when hanging out at the mall; making fun of the boys and girls that looked funny to us; flirting with those who looked good to us; and just chilling.
“Are we still on?” she asked me.
“Yeah, girl, we’re still on. But, let me tell Lou before she leaves and I’ll call you back. Bye.”
I hung up and searched the small house for Lou. I found her sitting on the sofa, flipping through Black Hair magazine. “Lou that was Helen on the phone and we’re going to the mall. What time should I be back?”
“Well, I’ll be going out again so try to be back at eight-thirty,” she answered without looking up from her magazine. With Lou, I had more freedom than either of us had known when our parents were alive.
I called Helen back, checked myself in the full-length mirror, and headed for the door.
After meeting up with Helen at the mall, the first thing we did was grab a bite to eat and hang out at the arcade. After losing our last bit of change there, we walked around and did a little window-shopping, making fun of people. Although, as soon as the cute boys came around, we played mature to attract their attention. Otherwise, we knew we would get no play at all.
When six o’clock rolled around, Helen told me that her mom needed her to come home earlier than expected. So to keep from being alone, we both decided to call it a day.
When I got home and walked inside, there was this strong familiar scent lingering in the air. I only smelled it when I was near the street hangers. The strong smell of weed lured me into the den where I found Lou and the man from the night before getting high.
I cleared my throat and crossed my bony arms across my budding chest.
Loni, I wasn’t expecting you so soon.” Lou was a bit startled with a joint pressed between her fingers. “Anyway, this is Ray. He’s a new friend I met last night. Come join us.” She patted her hand on the couch for me to sit next to her. I still had an attitude but I accepted her invitation and sat next to her on the couch.
“Hey, Lou, pass me that joint.” Lou took another hit and passed the Mary Jane to Ray.
“Wanna hit this, lil’ sis?” Ray asked me, grinning. I looked at Lou for her reaction.
“Go ahead and try it, Loni. It’s okay.” Seeing that Lou gave me permission to proceed, I took the joint from Ray, tried to puff, and started choking.
“Whoa. Slow down, lil’ lady,” Ray said, chuckling. “Hand it here and I’ll teach you how to smoke like a pro.”
I handed the joint to Ray and watched him carefully as he showed me how to hit my first joint.
“Now you try it” He passed it back to me. I took the joint and slowly inhaled and did the same as I exhaled. Within minutes, I was surely high as hell. My eyelids struggled to stay open. The next thing I knew I was giggling for no damn reason at all.
Lou and Ray looked at one another then at me and started laughing as well. Lou finally got up from her seat and turned on the stereo.
“How ‘bout we listen to some R. Kelly’s 12 Play. And, Ray, why don’t you go and get us some more beer ‘cause we’re running low here.”
Without hesitation, Ray jumped up and ran for the door. While he was gone, Lou felt she had some things she needed to share with me.
“Loni, baby, things are happening to me. I feel it’s about time for me to grow up, and you as well.”
“Whatchu mean by that, Lou?” I had a bewildered look on my face and could not wait to hear what she had to say next.
“I’m an adult now, Loni. And there are certain things you may not know about what us adults do. Not only do we drink and smoke, we also have sex. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes, Lou. They do teach us some of the stuff in school. Besides that, I hear some of the kids at school talking about it all the time,” I said with a roll of my eyes.
“Well seeing that you do know somewhat, then you should know that I’m at the point where I got needs and Ray will be around to help me with them.” Lou had a drifting smile on her face as she spoke. She looked as if she had a vision of something wonderful in her mind, so I rudely interrupted her happy thoughts with a comment.
“Look, Lou, I do not care to hear about this right now ‘cause you’re blowing my high!”
“You need to hear it! One day your body will start to develop these feelings and you’ll have these needs. And you never know; I might not be around to talk to you about it then.” Lou looked at me caught me rolling my eyes in my head, because she inhaled long and deep before blowing out a mouth full of hot, stale air. Leaving me on the sofa, she got up and headed for the bathroom. By the time Lou returned from her trip to the toilet, Ray was walking through the door.
“Hey, baby, I’m back. Let’s get this party going!” He handed me the bag, grabbed Lou’s hands, and the two started dancing. I observed them both, watching their bodies sway to the music as they danced closely, grinding into one another.
I opened up a can of beer and drank from it until my head started to spin. I guess I was being too quiet because Lou stopped bumping and grinding long enough to see what I was doing.
“Loni, maybe you should go upstairs and go to bed. You look sleepy.” I recognized that look of lust in her eyes and knew that was her way of telling me she wanted some privacy. Without a response, I got up and dragged my half-drunk ass upstairs to my room.
****
I jumped up in a cold sweat, realizing I had dozed off after sprawling out across the bed, with my head hanging off the side. I had a bad dream about my parents screaming out to me for help from the inside of a burning house, but I could not reach them. The dream really shook me up. Teary-eyed I looked at my clock and noticed that I had been sleeping for nearly four hours.
It dawned on me that I left Lou and Ray downstairs earlier. After the bad dream about our parents, I needed to be near my sister. Opening my door to head downstairs, I noticed how quiet the house was and figured Lou and her man were gone. I decided to go downstairs anyway to get a glass of water. When I reached the top of the stairs I heard soft music playing and soft whispers. So once again, curiosity got the best of me as I tiptoed down to the bottom stair.
Lou and Ray were not gone; they were at the table, in front of the couch, on their knees, inhaling the contents of their friend, the white lady. After having her share of coke, Lou stood up, removed her clothes and danced around in circles. Her bra went sailing in the air.
“C’mere, baby, and let me suck on those sweet ass tit’s of yours.” Ray was smiling, white shit visible between his wide nose and full lips. Lou sashayed her way over to him, her eyebrows almost forming a unibrow as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She was still wearing her panties, so Ray weaseled his way over to her and freed them from the confines of her hips.
Within seconds, he was slurping on her raspberry like a child slurping milk from a bowl of just finished cereal. The look on Lou’s face confirmed what I suspected; she was enjoying the adventurous tour he was taking her on. Lou bit down on her bottom lip. She then screamed out, “Oh, God, yes!”
After calling on Jesus, she started cussing as if she had lost her rabbit ass mind. Ray did not seem to mind though. She fell down to the floor and spread her legs as wide as an eagle’s wings, ready for a landing.
“Naw, baby,” he said to her, “we gon’ do something a little different so stand back up.” Ray’s face was sparkling like a five-carat diamond.
Ray could hardly catch his breath as he hastily undressed. He told her to face the wall. I adjusted my eyes to get a clear image of his naked body. I wondered how it would feel to have the pleasure of a man using my body with meaningful enjoyment.
“Now, Lou, bend over a bit, and use your hands to hold yourself up against the wall.” With his hands around her waist, he positioned her just right. Then, he cupped his hands over the round of her rump. Still breathing intensely, Ray grabbed his penis and used his manly power to connect with the latch Lou had waiting for him inside her soft folds. I watched him, moving in and out of her in a slow pace as their bodies sang a sensual melody. I felt my kitty purr, wanting a song of its own to sing.
Ray’s face became wet with perspiration. The lingering pace that he once used turned into fast plunging. I could see his nuts slapping up against my sister’s ass as it bounced, rocking against his hard body with every thrust.
“Oooh, Ray, I feel it coming. Ray, oh, God!” Lou yelled out in lust and excitement.
“Okay, baby, here I go! Ughhhh! Yes, baby, damn!” He roared like a lion, gave her two more thrusting plunges, and fell against her trembling body. It was over, and, like before, there was that hot, wet feeling in my coochie. I was aching for the pleasure Ray had given Lou.
After such a thrilling experience, I eased back up the stairs and washed up. I had to put on another pair of panties because after what I had seen and felt, mine were soaked. Still seeing images of Ray’s nuts slapping against Lou’s ass, I retired myself back to my bedroom where I could secretly please myself.